3 in the morning
Its 3 in the morning as i wait, staring the computer screen: cold, confused, calm, sad, worried and above all tired; just for one hint from my friend that yes I still matter. Away from boundaries of the world that i will be facing five hours from now, the world where nothing actually matters the world where I am nothing more then what I show off as. Away from all this glitters, stuck in confusion at a time when everything else is beginning; the day, the week and somewhere on this mighty earth a life.
Sometimes I feel why me, why life is so strange upon me, why do I always have to submit myself to the weary world? Why has nature made this supreme rule that what others get from me is a smile but what i get from others is tears. Long, calm and dark nights went by in deep thoughts of arguing these queries, researching my faults, but at the end, come back to square one just to waste the next night for the same cause. The world has changed and so has attitude. Friendship is not about expecting anymore its just a phase. Love has taken a form called 'living'.
What I wrote what I am going to write may sound completely bizarre, but I have no other proof then this to show how my life has become completely strange and undoubtedly scary. Still I feel like waiting for that one hint from my friend that I still matter, still I am sitting here in front of my computer screen still expecting that like a day is beginning, a week is kicking off my friendship kicks of to a better level. Still expecting things that now has become history, still expecting experiences that in themselves are slowly becoming myths and mysteries
And my frend won
There is a stark difference between being disheartened and disappointed,when you are disheartened your hopes are lost just to get them back the very next moment but when you are disappointed your hope is lost completely and even if you search the world for that lost hope you come home lost and tired, before I was disheartened but today finally I am disappointed. A stage comes when you completely give up, nothing seems normal, the people, the world, our friends, our family and above all our behavior.
From 3AM to 4Am to 5...the clock kept ticking the world kept rising a day kept emerging out of nowhere , starting new week but things for me were no longer normal. Yes I finally got to talk with my friend but that made me realize something. I am not normal, no this doesn't have to deal with sexual orientation I am very much straight but above all this I am still not normal, not like others or to be frank not like what others see in their friends and try to expect the same from me, I am obnoxious. My abnormality was nothing but my very own emotions. Sometimes you are so full of bad luck that at the end you don't even bother when you realize that your inner self also cheated you and made a joke out you. What seemed to me as my strength: My emotions, was one the biggest culprits in my mockery, in my abnormality (as my friends tell me).
When you see others disappointed you don't realize what it is to be disappointed, when you yourself are disappointed even if you know how it may feel you always seem to feel worst and unwanted, as if you are destined to be deprived, you are stuck in a middle of nowhere in a dark night alone and even stars are not their to accompany you. Out of nowhere rain plays it part like a perfect friend he hides your tears, soothes you down, helps you cry and makes it easy for you to hide your grief, a downpour of rejuvenation as i would call it. But still you stand their not bothered anymore about anything. Just sitting there trying to battle with thoughts and a stage comes when you are so wounded and tired you give up to your mind lie down and go for a nice slumber. Rain realizes that he succeeded in helping you and stops pouring down.
They say don't bother what others did to you what other think of you..but what about those whom you love whom you care for. What when they leave you stranded, leave u behind with grief, restlessness and a dark impact and above all leaves a horrified and shocked-at-the-moment friend.
Finally the time arrived time to show off my acting talent to hide from my college friends what I had gone through and what I was going through, to arbitrarily act happy, to point blankly laugh out even when I have not heard their joke because your mind and your senses were busy cajoling with the joke your own emotions and your own life had played on you just few hours back. Life moves on they say but not always sometimes you need to give that numbness to your body and time for your inner self to regain its energy, life doesn't always move on sometimes it has to stop, someday it has to get a break, it needs to be rejuvenated. When in future I will lie back remembering all this I may laugh or at least a smile may get planted over my lips probably that will be a memento of my conquering this and many such battles that may be lined up in future for me